I switched to wordpress in order not pay for a service I wasn’t using and also to be able to use the password protection function. If you know me, email me flybunny (at) gmail.com and I will give it to you. Thank you for understanding that there are somethings I just cannot share with everyone.
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So here it is almost a year since I last blogged.
What a year it has been. There was a new job in October and subsequent losing that job in January. 4 months of unemployment and stress, lots and lots of stress.
Lots of time spent with my family, evaluating what is important. Learning the difference between a want and a need.
Making very hard decisions. Feeling like a failure. Disappointing my kids.
Spending lots of time with the baby who is not a baby anymore. Playing with her. Watching her grow and learn, stuff I would have missed had I been working. Getting lots of snuggles and smoochies.
Watching my oldest mature into a young lady. Blossoming in more ways than one. Watching her struggle. Watching her fail. Helping her when I can and just holding her when there is nothing I can do but hold. Restraining myself when the attitude and eye rolling rear their ugly heads.
Watching the middle child excel when she never has before. Watching her make friends. Watching her gain confidence. Realizing that she is going to make it in spite of herself. Watching her be totally comfortable in who she is.
Making friends and renewing friendships. Losing friends. Alienating family by choice, knowing that it is the right thing to do for me.
Realizing what an amazing man my husband is. How supportive he is. How complete my life is with him.
It had definately been a year. I have changed but how is not completely clear. My hope is through blogging I will find myself again.
It must be the time of the year because I have read several different blogs where the writer is deciding whethere to close up shop or not and honestly, that is where I am at as well.
I started blogging because I needed an outlet – so many things were going on in my life and I needed a place to let it all hang out and this really fufilled my need but then I ran into the dilemma on how secret I wanted to keep my identity. I tried message boards but that was too hard and women on message boards can be down right nasty to each other so I got tired of all of the bickering when I really just needed to vent or talk and wanted feedback or support so I quit posting and started blogging. I tried a couple of different times but didn’t really get the hang of it until I started this one.
Originally I wanted to remain fully anonymous but that was really hard and remembering to use code names for the girls was really hard so eventually I dropped them (although in a few recent posts I have started using them again) but because of their names and some of the issues I have blogged about I realized it would be pretty easy for those that know me to figure out that this is my blog and with that knowledge, I started holding back which is not like me. I typically don’t hold anything back and it really bothers me that I have started to self sensor. I need to be able to talk about somethings, things that I probably wouldn’t talk about/tell the subjects of the conversation – more so that I can get the words out and get feedback on my feelings etc so I can process them.
Thing is, I really enjoy blogging and reading blogs (oh how I LOVE to read blogs) but it almost seems like a chore to blog these days. Not that I don’t have anything to say because I NEVER EVER run out of things to say but I just feel like I need to watch what I say and that makes it very hard to be myself. I would help if I could password protect some posts but Typepad doesn’t have that feature or maybe it does and I just haven’t figured it out, which is entirely possible. I guess what I am saying in a rambling way it that I am at a blogging crossroads of sorts because I don’t feel like I am blogging for myself right now (because if I was I would tell you about the crazy ass person who has invaded my life). I thought taking some time and not updating would help me figure it out but it really hasn’t, it has just made it that much harder and during this time, my already meager readership has dropped because who wants to stick around and read a blog that is never updated.
What I really need is some inspiration or a cause or something to be passionate about that will open the floodgates of words that are inside of meeting waiting to get out. Does anyone have any suggestions? How do I stay true to myself while not revealing too much? How can I get past this? or should I just close up shop and call it a day? I would love any and all feedback….
Happy Birthday Mom! I love you so much. I think about you everyday and miss you more than you will ever know.
Some of you know that the big girls attend a posh school and by posh I mean the children of the business leaders of our fair city send their kids there, the parking lot is filled with beemers, mercedes etc.
Anyway, sending them to school there has always been a struggle for me not for the education but for the social pressure that my kids face because we cannot even pretend to be able to keep up with the joneses. So when the girls started school there almost 10 yrs ago I had all these ideas in my head that we would become friends with the other parents and there would be play dates and dinners with other families etc. The reality was so far from that.
I grew up in a smallish town in southern Missouri (damn near in arkansas) and it was a decidedly blue collar town so I basically had no exposure to the wealthy, not rich but wealthy. So the posh school environment was complete and total culture shock for me. These people live close to school, we do not. They all socialize together and go to fund raisers and volunteer for various organizations around town. We do not. I could go on but you get the jest of it.
I tried reaching out to a couple of parents and organized a girls night out, we went and it was fun. The other three thought it was so fun they started doing them fairly regularly with some other Moms but didn't invite me and my feelings were hurt. Going to any school function was so uncomfortable for me and I always felt alone unless Mr Fly was with me.
Last year I finally let go of the notion that I had to be friends with these people since they obviously did not want to be friends with me and I once I let it all go, things changed. I suddenly felt more comfortable at school functions. I quit letting my feelings get hurt and realized that honestly, there is probably only a handful of the parents I would want to socialize with anyway. I can go to functions and visit and make small talk and its ok.
Letting go felt so good now I just need to apply that to other areas of my life.
I don’t think I have ever blogged about my family or really much about politics (although early on I think I did have a small rant about singing the national anthem in spanish) but I am going to venture into this topic today because I just heard something that has me rattled.
I am the youngest of 3. My brothers are 10 & 7 years older than me and admittedly we are not very close. I would like to blame it on the age difference but really we have nothing in common outside of my Dad and it became very apparent to me when we were dealing with Mom’s illness and subsequent death that while I love my brothers because they are my brothers, I really don’t care for them.
My oldest brother (who lives in the same metro area that I do and I still only see him on holidays and then probably only every other year or so) is VERY VERY conservative and very judgmental. When we were younger, we had a fairly good relationship but as we got older and our personalities formed our relationship changed but I still talked to him and sought him out occasionally for advice. When he got married, our relationship changed again and then as we have both had families and moved firmly into adulthood it has become very apparent that we have absolutely nothing in common – not even kids because he parents VERY differently than I do and well we just both have different values – not one better than the other but very different.
My middle brother is the proverbial black sheep of the family. We did not get along growing up and I grew to resent him for the pain and heartache he put my parents through. As we got older, he resented me because I was spoiled but also because I am very close to our parents. He failed to see that I held a job through high school and college and paid for many of the things he expected Mom and Dad to pay for. I was far from perfect but he thought I thought I was better than him. He has changed somewhat but we still do not have anything close to resembling a sibling relationship. He recently got married and at 44 expected my Dad (who lives on social security and a small retirement) to foot the bill – that is a post for a whole other day. He doesn’t have any kids so even when we do talk it is meaningless small talk.
So here is where I venture outside of my comfort zone.
My nephew is graduating from high school this weekend. He is a good good kid. He makes decent grades, babysits for neighbors, attends church and has even gotten his Eagle Scout award. He is a jr police officer for the small town that he lives in and plans to pursue a career in law enforcement after college.
My nephew is 18 and still does not have his driver’s license because my brother does not want to pay for the insurance increase. He contacted me a couple of months ago about cell phones (I used to work for a telecom) so for a graduation gift, I offered to buy him a phone and pay for the plan until he got a job. It was a great deal because of my employee benefits I could put him on a good plan dirt cheap. Me, being the responsible sister that I am, call my brother to run it by him to make sure they were OK with it. They were not. He is not responsible enough, he is too immature and we don’t want to get stuck paying for the bill when he doesn’t (which wouldn’t have happened because I would have been liable). Did you read the part up there about him being a good kid and having his eagle scout????
My brother and his wife have sheltered my nephew so much that that haven’t allowed him any opportunities to mature or prove that he is responsible. And now the kicker, the immature kid is being "presented with the opportunity" to join the national guard. Right now I will freely admit I am making some broad assumptions because I think my brother does not want to pay for college so he wants C to do something where someone else will pick up the bill (GI Bill etc) so he is "strongly encouraging" this. The same kids who does not have a drivers license and has never had anything close to resembling freedom is being asked to make a life changing decision without the tools necessary to evaluate the impact of this decision.
I am sick to my stomach over this. The unit he would be joining has already been deployed to Iraq twice. According to my Dad, he would get his college paid for and would have to have active duty once a month and go through boot camp this summer. Now we all now that the military is short of bodies and I don’t for one minute think that his being in college will keep him from being deployed. I want to tell him not to do it. Risking his life because his Dad is a cheap ass is not worth it. I want to tell him to go to college and get his education and I will get him a cell phone so he can be a normal kid. I want him to make friends and find a girlfriend without his parents interference. I do not want him to be in harms way and I cannot believe that my brother is encouraging this.
Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for those who put their lives on the line or those who have lost their lives for our freedom. I do not agree with the war, I never have because I think we were mislead but I think we are too far in this and and leaving the area too early will result in devastation to that area that I don’t even want to fathom. Because of this, I am fairly sure that at some point my nephew would be put in harms way (he will more than likely be a MP because of his jr police training). I am just devastated by this but I don’t have the relationship with my brother or his bitchy wife (who did not attend my mother’s funeral) to say anything. Mr F thought he might try to talk to C to see if he could get a handle on his feelings but that probably won’t happen.
So I just sit here and cross my fingers and hope beyond all hope that that if this does happen it is for the right reasons not the wrong reasons and hope that my sweet, kind nephew will be OK>