Flybunny’s World

I switched to wordpress in order not pay for a service I wasn’t using and also to be able to use the password protection function.  If you know me, email me flybunny (at) gmail.com and I will give it to you.  Thank you for understanding that there are somethings I just cannot share with everyone.

It must be the time of the year because I have read several different blogs where the writer is deciding whethere to close up shop or not and honestly, that is where I am at as well.  

I started blogging because I needed an outlet – so many things were going on in my life and I needed a place to let it all hang out and this really fufilled my need but then I ran into the dilemma on how secret I wanted to keep my identity.  I tried message boards but that was too hard and women on message boards can be down right nasty to each other so I got tired of all of the bickering when I really just needed to vent or talk and wanted feedback or support so I quit posting and started blogging.  I tried a couple of different times but didn’t really get the hang of it until I started this one.

Originally I wanted to remain fully anonymous but that was really hard and remembering to use code names for the girls was really hard so eventually I dropped them (although in a few recent posts I have started using them again) but because of their names and some of the issues I have blogged about I realized it would be pretty easy for those that know me to figure out that this is my blog and with that knowledge, I started holding back which is not like me.   I typically don’t hold anything back and it really bothers me that I have started to self sensor.  I need to be able to talk about somethings, things that I probably wouldn’t talk about/tell the subjects of the conversation – more so that I can get the words out and  get feedback on my feelings etc so I can process them. 

Thing is, I really enjoy blogging and reading blogs (oh how I LOVE to read blogs) but it almost seems like a chore to blog these days.  Not that I don’t have anything to say because I NEVER EVER run out of things to say but I just feel like I need to watch what I say and that makes it very hard to be myself.  I would help if I could password protect some posts but Typepad doesn’t have that feature or maybe it does and I just haven’t figured it out, which is entirely possible.  I guess what I am saying in a rambling way it that I am at a blogging crossroads of sorts because I don’t feel like I am blogging for myself right now (because if I was I would tell you about the crazy ass person who has invaded my life).  I thought taking some time and not updating would help me figure it out but it really hasn’t, it has just made it that much harder and during this time, my already meager readership has dropped because who wants to stick around and read a blog that is never updated.

What I really need is some inspiration or a cause or something to be passionate about that will open the floodgates of words that are inside of meeting waiting to get out.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  How do I stay true to myself while not revealing too much?  How can I get past this?  or should I just close up shop and call it a day?  I would love any and all feedback….

Happy Birthday Mom!  I love you so much.  I think about you everyday and miss you more than you will ever know.

Some of you know that the big girls attend a posh school and by posh I mean the children of the business leaders of our fair city send their kids there, the parking lot is filled with beemers, mercedes etc. 

Anyway, sending them to school there has always been a struggle for me not for the education but for the social pressure that my kids face because we cannot even pretend to be able to keep up with the joneses.  So when the girls started school there almost 10 yrs ago I had all these ideas in my head that we would become friends with the other parents and there would be play dates and dinners with other families etc. The reality was so far from that.

I grew up in a smallish town in southern Missouri (damn near in arkansas) and it was a decidedly blue collar town so I basically had no exposure to the wealthy, not rich but wealthy.  So the posh school environment was complete and total culture shock for me.  These people live close to school, we do not.  They all socialize together and go to fund raisers and volunteer for various organizations around town.  We do not.  I could go on but you get the jest of it.

I tried reaching out to a couple of parents and organized a girls night out, we went and it was fun.  The other three thought it was so fun they started doing them fairly regularly with some other Moms but didn't invite me and my feelings were hurt.  Going to any school function was so uncomfortable for me and I always felt alone unless Mr Fly was with me. 

Last year I finally let go of the notion that I had to be friends with these people since they obviously did not want to be friends with me and I once I let it all go, things changed.  I suddenly felt more comfortable at school functions.  I quit letting my feelings get hurt and realized that honestly, there is probably only a handful of the parents I would want to socialize with anyway.  I can go to functions and visit and make small talk and its ok. 

Letting go felt so good now I just need to apply that to other areas of my life.

I don’t think I have ever blogged about my family or really much about politics (although early on I think I did have a small rant about singing the national anthem in spanish) but I am going to venture into this topic today because I just heard something that has me rattled.

I am the youngest of 3.  My brothers are 10 & 7 years older than me and admittedly we are not very close.  I would like to blame it on the age difference but really we have nothing in common outside of my Dad and it became very apparent to me when we were dealing with Mom’s illness and subsequent death that while I love my brothers because they are my brothers, I really don’t care for them. 

My oldest brother (who lives in the same metro area that I do and I still only see him on holidays and then probably only every other year or so) is VERY VERY conservative and very judgmental.  When we were younger, we had a fairly good relationship but as we got older and our personalities formed our relationship changed but I still talked to him and sought him out occasionally for advice.  When he got married, our relationship changed again and then as we have both had families and moved firmly into adulthood it has become very apparent that we have absolutely nothing in common – not even kids because he parents VERY differently than I do and well we just both have different values – not one better than the other but very different.

My middle brother is the proverbial black sheep of the family.  We did not get along growing up and I grew to resent him for the pain and heartache he put my parents through.  As we got older, he resented me because I was spoiled but also because I am very close to our parents.  He failed to see that I held a job through high school and college and paid for many of the things he expected Mom and Dad to pay for. I was far from perfect but he thought I thought I was better than him. He has changed somewhat  but we still do not have anything close to resembling a sibling relationship.  He recently got married and at 44 expected my Dad (who lives on social security and a small retirement) to foot the bill – that is a post for a whole other day.  He doesn’t have any kids so even when we do talk it is meaningless small talk.

So here is where I venture outside of my comfort zone. 

My nephew is graduating from high school this weekend.  He is a good good kid.  He makes decent grades, babysits for neighbors, attends church and has even gotten his Eagle Scout award.  He is a jr police officer for the small town that he lives in and plans to pursue a career in law enforcement after college. 

My nephew is 18 and still does not have his driver’s license because my brother does not want to pay for the insurance increase.  He contacted me a couple of months ago about cell phones (I used to work for a telecom) so for a graduation gift, I offered to buy him a phone and pay for the plan until he got a job.  It was a great deal because of my employee benefits I could put him on a good plan dirt cheap.  Me, being the responsible sister that I am, call my brother to run it by him to make sure they were OK with it.  They were not.  He is not responsible enough, he is too immature and we don’t want to get stuck paying for the bill when he doesn’t (which wouldn’t have happened because I would have been liable).  Did you read the part up there about him being a good kid and having his eagle scout????

My brother and his wife have sheltered my nephew so much that that haven’t allowed him any opportunities to mature or prove that he is responsible.  And now the kicker, the immature kid is being "presented with the opportunity" to join the national guard.  Right now I will freely admit I am making some broad assumptions because I think my brother does not want to pay for college so he wants C to do something where someone else will pick up the bill (GI Bill etc) so he is "strongly encouraging" this.  The same kids who does not have a drivers license and has never had anything close to resembling freedom is being asked to make a life changing decision without the tools necessary to evaluate the impact of this decision. 

I am sick to my stomach over this.  The unit he would be joining has already been deployed to Iraq twice.  According to my Dad, he would get his college paid for and would have to have active duty once a month and go through boot camp this summer.  Now we all now that the military is short of bodies and I don’t for one minute think that his being in college will keep him from being deployed.  I want to tell him not to do it.  Risking his life because his Dad is a cheap ass is not worth it.  I want to tell him to go to college and get his education and I will get him a cell phone so he can be a normal kid.  I want him to make friends and find a girlfriend without his parents interference.  I do not want him to be in harms way and I cannot believe that my brother is encouraging this. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for those who put their lives on the line or those who have lost their lives for our freedom.  I do not agree with the war, I never have because I think we were mislead but I think we are too far in this and and leaving the area too early will result in devastation to that area that I don’t even want to fathom.  Because of this, I am fairly sure that at some point my nephew would be put in harms way (he will more than likely be a MP because of his jr police training).  I am just devastated by this but I don’t have the relationship with my brother or his bitchy wife (who did not attend my mother’s funeral) to say anything.  Mr F thought he might try to talk to C to see if he could get a handle on his feelings but that probably won’t happen. 

So I just sit here and cross my fingers and hope beyond all hope that that if this does happen it is for the right reasons not the wrong reasons and hope that my sweet, kind nephew will be OK>

I don’t know that I have completely called out the fact that I am not gainfully employed at this time.  I took a voluntary separation package (for the second time) from my employer and my last day at work was April 4th.  The comment I hear most often is how I must be loving having all this time with the baby and people are very often surprised to hear that I still take her to daycare which is promptly followed by surprised looks.

I really didn’t think that much about until I kept having to repeat the story this weekend while visiting with some family from out of town.  My reasons are multiple and very simple.  I am going to have to go back to work and probably sooner rather than later so in my mind keeping her in daycare is a no brainer.  Smiley absolutely and completely loves the ladies that watch her during the day.  Every morning when we turn the corner of her house, she starts kicking her legs and is so happy to see them so I know that she is being well cared for and is loved.  Her daycare never has openings (in fact it was a pure fluke that we got in when we did – she actually had someone quit the day I called her) and I don’t want to lose my spot.  Smiley loves interacting with the other kids.  She has her sisters to entertain her in the evenings/weekends and while she loves her Mama,  she loves kids too and she is so social she really needs the interaction with other kids.  And finally, I need to get my house deep cleaned before I start back to work and I find that I get distracted with playing with her and avoid housework so in the end it all works out. 

I usually keep her home with me 1-2 times a week and her hours there are shorter but this also allows me to spend some time with the big girls which since Smiley has come along, time with Mom has been at a premium so again, it all works out.

But after this weekend, I really felt like I was being judged for not keeping her with me.  I don’t normally let things like that bother me but for whatever reason it really got to me and I felt myself explaining over and over why and why it is a good thing but all I got were sad looks in return.  I have my reasons and they are good and I know that this is the right decision but I guess it bothers me that I am letting it bother me.  I just need to tell myself to get over it and get on with my life but that is really easier said than done.

PS.  Tweenager’s soccer team played in yet another tournament this weekend and this time they won their age division/bracket.  It was a very exciting game that went into overtime.  In the past 2 weekends their record is 6-1-1 – not bad for a team who up until last weekend had only ever won 3 games in 4 tournaments.  She also turned 11 on Friday – yikes less than 2 years to the dreaded teenage years.

PPS.  Baby Smiley goes in for an EEG/consult with a neurologist tomorrow morning.  I don’t expect them to find anything but please keep your fingers crossed that everything is normal!

PPPS.  Because I haven’t really talked about her Chatter Box is doing OK.  She also started playing soccer this spring and so far seems to enjoy it.  School is going well for her and she seems to have found her niche in creative writing.  I will have to get her permission to share one of her stories – they truly are interesting to read because she writes so descriptively.

Baby girl had her head CT this morning and everything is normal in her sweet little noggin.  I did have a brief moment of panic when the pediatrician called this afternoon with the results because at the hospital they told me it would be 24-48 hrs before we got results and in my past experiences, when you get quick results it is because there is a problem but luckily that was not the case.  We are still going to see the neurologist next week for an EEG just to make sure that her brain waves are normal  but I am not worried at all now.   Sending kudos to the nurses at our children’s hospital – they were able to get baby girl to sleep before the CT so they didn’t have to sedate her.  That made me very happy. 

And the tweenie’s soccer team placed second in a tournament this weekend and it was a lot of fun to watch them finally have some success because prior to this weekend her team had never won more than 1 game in a tournament.

Hope everything in your world is A OK! 

I have someone who is in my life but not by my choice and this person has caused me more stress than should be allowed.  After the past couple of days, I am at my wits end but I am not sure how to proceed.

Because of this persons relationship with someone I love and respect, I cannot completely cut them out of my life but I desperately want to.  This is not someone I would seek out a relationship with because the qualities that are key to their personality are ones that I despise – neediness, materiality, passive-aggressive behavior, self centered etc.  I walk on egg shells with this person because feelings are VERY EASILY hurt by the most innocent things and then things get dramatic and then I have to be the bigger person etc etc. 

I am tired of being the bigger person and on Friday I had had enough and lashed out at this person – not in a horribly mean way but I did not back down from my stance and predictably things went south.  I am at the point now where I will not accept phone calls from them nor will I return text messages or e-mails of which there are many. 

My problem is that when my loved one finds out about this latest "incident" I am afraid our relationship will be damaged.  So I am not sure how to proceed.  I don’t want to be the one to make nice this time.  I want this person to realize that they WAY over reacted to something that in the grand scheme of life is very insignificant.  I want them to apologize for the over reaction but I know that won’t happen and this time, I will not back down.  So that will leave us at an impasse of sorts and I guess it will come down to who is the most stubborn.   

What I really want to know is how much you would put up with? How many times would you endure the drama over the smallest of things?  Knowing that this person will never see the reality of the situation, would you stand your ground or would you back down to preserve the peace and your relationship with this other person?  I really really am interested in your thoughts….